Early June

Life sure can give us some shocks. One of the more devastating is to realize your conception of the way things are is totally wrong. I honestly had thought that through my brother’s support in providing me a place to stay, he was participating in my creations. Evidently, he does not feel the same way. Since relationships often give us a means to find out more about ourselves, I was provided with one of those learning opportunities when my brother phoned me to express how he feels about my life of solitude.

Tonight he gave me the lowdown on what he thinks. I choose not to repeat the name-calling; however, the crux of the matter is that he thinks I should be working to earn my living. “I think everyone should work to eat” were his exact words. I’m in shock. If I were going to be working an 8 to 5 job to earn a living, why would I be out in the boon docks, some thirty miles away from only minimum wage jobs?

I venture that, in my opinion, my writing at the computer at least eight hours a day is in fact “working.” And I certainly would not have come to live here if I were not writing.

“Writing?” He says he doesn’t know that I am writing anything. What in the hell does he think I’ve been doing? He’s even generously loaned me a computer and furnished me with free copying service and supplies from his office! I know he has never responded when I’ve given an update on my current writing status, but I certainly thought he heard me.

And why is he bringing up the issue about my working now when I have been here for months providing for all my personal expenses? He explains he fears that in the future he may have to support me financially. He says it looks like it’s headed that way. The future? I am packing to leave for California to help with my grandson for a couple of months. Then I’m going to India.

I am truly stumped. I’m trying to write something that I hope will have a positive effect on people and obviously I have not even connected with my own brother. Now there’s a reality check. It’s an enigma and I’m not even going to attempt to rationalize it. I think, in the end, we have to learn to live with enigmas. The world does not change because we wake up a bit; it keeps on doing whatever it’s doing.

Further in his rampage, he alleges that I have taken no responsibility at the farm, that he has had to do everything. Quite stunned, I defend myself with the list of projects I have put time and energy into getting done well. “Well, I paid the bills,” he counters with the finality of “I rest my case.” I guess that about bottom-lines his reality.

After hanging up the phone, I feel devastated. This is the stuff that paralyzes people into inaction. I think the authorities have used this technique to get control over others for centuries. Tell people how inept they are; then, while they are stunned, start leading them around by a fetter. It's a sad history of humanity. To not fall into the trap takes a lot of consciousness, a lot of “know thyself.”

First, he was continually critical of the way I did the projects. Now he's denying that I have done anything at all. I suppose it's because he did not pay me for my work that he doesn’t value it. Something in me really resists having all of my careful conscientious work negated. And I thought I had escaped the bosses of the corporate world, I jest with myself. Then a light dawns: this scenario could only happen with a family member. Not even once has a boss—anywhere at any time—spoken to me in such a manner. So it looks like there are three big obstructions to freedom: 8 to 5 jobs, family and, of course, the biggest challenge of all will always remain: Me.

I consider this episode an opportunity to search my heart for my own misconceptions. Something is surely off-center for me to have these tumultuous emotions. I want to feel what’s going on inside of me since I certainly do feel overwhelmed. There's no need to deny that my mind and body are spinning. These feelings are a part of me. I may not prefer them, but they are a part of my wholeness.

I realize that this scenario is a symbol of life in today’s world. The amount of money one earns is society’s measuring stick for value. I’ve thought up all sorts of clever answers to the question, “What do you do for a living?” “I breathe.” “I avoid non-living.” “I eat and sleep.” I’ve tried them all at one time or another. I simply do not measure the value of what I am in dollars and cents. Yet I cannot expect another to do the same. I tell the truth; I act consciously; I love the creation. These are the things I value.

Wait a minute, Nancy. Just because someone tries to negate your reality, does not make it less valid for you, my mind prompts me. You always say we all live in our own little head worlds.

I know that we each have unique perceptions that are based on our past experiences. Sometimes I picture that each one of us is a giant bubble containing our personal realities. No one can ever see into the contents of another’s bubble. At points of common benefit, the bubbles join and interface, but most of the content remains hidden. Even though one bubble may join with many others, large areas will remain totally isolated. Many bubbles have enough links to form communal bubbles that operate within their own set of interests. Then a lot of bubbles exist that have little or no possibility of linking with others.

Seeing where we connect—and where we do not—is a true art. My brother's bubble and my bubble just do not connect. They are floating around making their unique contacts elsewhere. That is all. That is why sometimes it looks like the universe is not supporting us. Nature just has too many bubbles to maintain. I may be wishing for a sunny day, but the farmer down the road is praying for rain. What is Nature to do?

The truth is I thought that the universe was providing me a place to do my work. I guess it still was, I laugh out loud as the words pop into my head. A wise master I knew in India translated the word "maya" as "deceptive power." I guess I feel I’ve been deceived and that makes me feel stupid. At least in the end, I hung in there and told my brother my truth. Usually, at the hint of adversity, I close up like a water lily at high noon.

I can be thankful for the opportunity to recognize that I am the only one who can truly value my work. His role in life is not to value me. He is doing other work and he does it well. Since he has no idea what I am doing, his opinion can hardly be a measure of my worth.

The truth remains that I have had a misconception—and no matter how it got there, it is in some measure distorting my meeting life authentically. This mistake could only be based on my own self-doubt. If I had the belief that I had all the power, resources and courage that I need to complete my projects, would I be looking for validation outside of myself? Of course not. Yet the truth forever remains that I cannot do anything without the support of others. Our world is a web of interdependencies. However, that does not mean that I have to give up my freedom and dance to another’s tune. Yet I have to be aware—and I was not.

Since the sun is nearing the summer solstice, the days stretch out long and languid. A calm dim light still shimmers over the landscape at 9:00 p.m. I go out and stretch out on the picnic table to experience my feelings fully. I am the sister who feels undervalued. I am the child who skinned her knee. I am the adolescent who forgot to laugh. I am the teenager who lost a love. I am the mother who forgot to sing. I am the frightened woman in a faraway land. I am the adult who learned to forgive. I have played so many roles in this lifetime; they are all me. I am a rainbow of all my experiences. I cannot erase them. I live with them because I am.

I estimate that it took me thirty minutes to get centered. So I'm learning. Maybe next time it will be less. The pine trees are standing stately and strong. The flowers are blooming as happily as ever. The swift family is landing in the chimney to roost for the night. The bats appear to dart and dance around the sky. Thank goodness for bats in buggy Texas.